Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ROCD)
Scenario:
You're feeling content, basking in the warmth of a relationship where you feel valued and optimistic. But suddenly, intrusive thoughts hijack your mind, flooding you with fear and anxiety: What if this isn't right? What if we're not meant to be? What if I’m not attracted to her? How do I know that we are right for each other? What if we break up and can’t handle it? What if we aren’t meant to be but stay together because I keep lying to myself about it and we live in misery?
Confusion sets in as you question your own feelings and the future of your relationship. You find yourself desperately seeking reassurance, endlessly comparing your partner to others, and obsessing over minor flaws. Despite wanting connection, you're paralyzed by the fear of what your mind might conjure up.
Understanding ROCD
If you recognize yourself in the scenario above, engage in compulsive behaviors for more than an hour a day, and/or these symptoms significantly impair your ability to function, you might be dealing with relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD).
Quick Review: Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a condition characterized by intrusive thoughts, urges, or images (obsessions) that cause significant distress, followed by repetitive behaviors (compulsions) aimed at alleviating distress or preventing a feared outcome. Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a subtype of OCD that specifically involves obsessive doubts about relationships, leading to anxiety and compulsive actions to ease these doubts. While ROCD can affect various types of relationships, including those with pets, this article will concentrate primarily on its impact within romantic relationships.
Common ROCD Obsessions and Compulsions
Individuals with ROCD may find themselves frequently questioning the "rightness" of their relationship and doubting their own feelings of love and attraction toward their partner. Obsessions can also involve feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness in the eyes of their partner. Obsessive thoughts in ROCD may include catastrophic beliefs about staying in the "wrong" relationship, such as fearing a lack of fulfillment or eternal misery. Conversely, there may be fears of irreparable damage or regret associated with breaking up. These simultaneous concerns create a paralyzing Lose-Lose situation.
These intrusive obsessions trigger significant distress and often result in compulsive behaviors aimed at providing temporary relief. To cope with these thoughts, individuals may engage in compulsive behaviors, such as seeking reassurance from others about the relationship, monitoring their own feelings excessively, or comparing their partner to others. They may also engage in neutralizing behaviors, such as compulsively visualizing happy moments, or establishing rules for their partner. Additionally, there may be a preoccupation with small details or a constant search for the "perfect" love, ironically hindering the experience of genuine connection.
Those affected by ROCD may experience debilitating preoccupation with perceived flaws in their partner, such as appearance, intelligence, sociability, or morality. For instance, fixating on a partner's slightly crooked nose and obsessing over whether it should be different can cause considerable anxiety. You may have been called “nit-picky” as you keep questioning and finding more and more things that you feel needs to be different. These thoughts persist regardless of the partner's qualities or one's own values, leading to feelings of guilt and shame, especially if they contradict one's personal beliefs.
Unrealistic Beliefs and Magical Thinking
"Magical thinking" and unrealistic beliefs often fuel obsessive thoughts about relationships. For example, unrealistic beliefs can include viewing "The One" as a predestined partner, which triggers intrusive thoughts like "Are they The One?" This leads to obsessive attempts to validate feelings and find evidence for compatibility. Additionally, the belief that attraction to one's partner must be constant can lead to obsessive thoughts triggered by minor occurrences, such as morning breath or temporary lack of attraction, prompting doubts about the relationship's viability and relentless efforts to find evidence for or against it.
Further unrealistic beliefs encompass expecting constant happiness, demanding unwavering certainty, avoiding conflict entirely, deeming attraction toward other people as "bad," expecting perpetual attraction to one's partner(s), believing there is only ONE right person out there, and fantasizing about a perfect ending, such as riding off into the sunset or achieving "happily ever after." These beliefs contribute to "magical thinking," where certain actions or events (like a kiss upon returning home) are believed to hold special significance for the relationship's fate. Such thinking, whether overt or subtle, creates unrealistic standards and "tests" that fuel obsessive thoughts and behaviors.
Differentiating Healthy Worries
When discussing ROCD, it's crucial to understand that it entails experiencing extreme anxiety or distress due to intrusive thoughts, which lack real, observable evidence. These thoughts need to be distinguished from random neutral thoughts or reasonable doubts arising from genuine relationship issues like infidelity, unmet emotional needs, safety concerns, abuse, bad communication, or hostility. These are valid reasons to assess the health of your relationship. If you find yourself in an unsafe situation, immediate assistance is available. You can call 800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you're in or near Grand Rapids, MI, emergency shelter options can be accessed by calling YWCA's hotline at 616-451-2744.
ROCD obsessions manifest regardless of whether you're in what's considered a "good relationship" or not, and they can lead to repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing distress. These obsessions and compulsions significantly disrupt daily life.
Similar to OCD in general, ROCD obsessions are ego-dystonic, meaning they clash with one's values and sense of self, often inducing feelings of shame. Despite lacking evidence, ROCD persistently seeks validation. These thoughts are typically less logical than typical relationship concerns, hindering the ability to assess compatibility and explore what love means to you.
The Good News: Healing is Possible
If you're navigating OCD, you may have found that traditional talk therapy doesn't suffice and, in many cases, can worsen symptoms. OCD demands a completely different, specialized approach, one where coping skills do not just turn into new compulsions. The most effective methods of treatment for OCD (according to the latest research) are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and most importantly, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).
ERP is labeled as the gold-standard treatment for OCD due to its proven effectiveness. This personalized therapy aims to help you confront your fears instead of turning away. Focusing on the process of OCD, not the content (hint: the key to healing ROCD has nothing to do with relationships), together we create manageable steps to “expose” you to your fear and, most importantly, resist compulsions. Challenging but effective, ERP empowers you to break free from the cycle of OCD.
In recovery, you learn that:
You are not your thoughts. Your obsessions have nothing to do with who you are and what you value.
Your obsessions have nothing to do with your actual relationship.
Your obsessions have nothing to do with your actual partner.
Your obsessions are not evidence.
Compulsions never help.
You will never find certainty.
You can tolerate uncertainty.
You can tolerate anxiety and distress.
You can live a fulfilling life and have a fulfilling relationship even if it’s not “perfect” and even if you have obsessive thoughts.
Recovery takes courage. You are courageous.
With the right help, you can learn to overcome this painful condition and engage in healthy, genuine, and wholesome relationships. Ensure you seek out a therapist who is familiar with ERP. Chelsea O’Day-Navis has received intensive training on ERP; learn about OCD treatment here.
If you want to learn more, check out more about what it’s like to live with ROCD from Made of Millions’ post here as well as effective treatments from therapy approaches to medications.
