Love, Doubt, and Chocolate: Surviving V-Day with ROCD
It’s almost Valentine's Day! For many folks, V-Day conjures images of hearts, sweetheart candies, flowers, chocolates, and Insta-worthy snapshots. Others may feel lonely, sad, or straight-up indifferent. A select few get the lovely gift of paralyzing doubt, heightened anxiety, fearfulness, constant questioning; amping up their dreaded companion: Relationship OCD (ROCD). How fun. Let’s dive into ROCD and then talk about how to deal this Valentine’s Day.
What is ROCD?
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a condition characterized by intrusive thoughts, urges, or images (obsessions) that cause significant distress, followed by repetitive behaviors (compulsions) aimed at alleviating distress or preventing a feared outcome. Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a subtype of OCD that involves obsessions and compulsions centered around relationships. While ROCD can affect various types of relationships, including those with pets, this blog post will concentrate primarily on its impact within monogamous romantic relationships.
COMMON OBSESSIONS
Folks with ROCD find themselves frequently questioning the "rightness" of their relationship and doubting their own feelings of love and attraction for their partner. Obsessions can also involve fears about remaining in the "wrong" relationship, such as fearing a lack of fulfillment or eternal misery, alongside fears of irreparable damage or regret associated with breaking up. Obsessions can also take form of debilitating preoccupation with perceived flaws in their partner, such as appearance, intelligence, sociability, or morality. These thoughts persist regardless of one's own values, leading to feelings of guilt and shame.
COMMON COMPULSIONS
Compulsions are behaviors that follow an obsession, aimed at reducing distress or avoiding a feared outcome. Some common ROCD compulsions include excessive reassurance-seeking, monitoring one's own feelings, ruminating, excessively reassuring oneself, searching the internet for answers, or comparing one's partner to others. Avoidance itself can also be a compulsion, such as avoiding Valentine's Day activities to evade potential triggers, or avoiding looking at unflattering pictures of your partner, or your partner altogether.
DIFFERENTIATING HEALTHY WORRIES
When discussing ROCD, it's crucial to understand that it entails experiencing extreme anxiety or distress due to intrusive thoughts that lack evidence. ROCD obsessions need to be distinguished from random neutral thoughts or reasonable doubts arising from genuine relationship issues like infidelity, bad communication, and especially safety concerns like emotional abuse, physical abuse, or hostility. These are valid reasons to assess the health of your relationship. If you find yourself in an unsafe situation, immediate assistance is available. You can call 800-799-7233 for the National DV Hotline. If you're in or near Grand Rapids, MI, emergency shelter options can be accessed by calling YWCA's hotline at 616-454-9922.
Surviving V-Day
KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS
V-Day is a minefield for ROCD triggers, and the pressure to conform to traditional V-Day celebrations exacerbates them. It is important to know your triggers. Common triggers include seeing extravagant displays of love on social media, feeling pressured to plan the "perfect" date or gesture, and fearing not receiving enough attention from your partner. Any time your partner does not meet your expectations can be a trigger, and worries of you not meeting theirs can also be. Anything can be a trigger, depending on the person.
EXPECT TO BE TRIGGERED
Now that you’ve considered your triggers, expect them! Take it a step further and hope to be triggered. Why? Because obsessions are not the problem. It’s our reaction to them that is the problem: compulsions. While they may offer temporary relief, compulsions worsen OCD in the long-run, reinforcing the cycle by lending undue credibility to obsessions. And remember: avoidance is also compulsive.
RESIST THOSE COMPULSIONS
You can do it! And if you feel you can't, try not to ruminate about it. Know that anxiety is temporary and you don’t have to “do” anything to make it go away. It will go away on its own, and you can tolerate it in the meantime, even if your OCD says you can’t. Each trigger is an opportunity to face your fears, feel the anxiety and distress, recognize thoughts as thoughts (and not as danger), and going about your day anyway. This work may require support, so consider seeing a therapist who specializes in OCD.
VALUES OVER FEELINGS
What does love mean to you? What do you want V-Day to mean, if anything? Do you feel societal pressure to participate, or is it something you genuinely enjoy? It’s important to consider what this day means to you and your partner if you have one. There are no “right” ways to love and celebrate love. For those with ROCD, prioritizing values over momentary emotions is crucial. Make decisions based on what aligns with what matters most to you in life, instead of being bullied by ROCD. The perfect relationship doesn’t exist.
Get Support
OCD does not define who you are nor who you love. Despite OCD being as debilitating as it is misunderstood, recovery is possible. Don't be hard on yourself if you find it too challenging to use the tips suggested in this post. Be gentle. Consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in OCD treatment. If you’re a Michigan resident and would like to see about working with me, Chelsea, you can learn about OCD treatment here or feel free to contact me here. With the right help, you can overcome ROCD and have fulfilling relationships.
A Note to the Reader: Any blog post written by me (or anyone, really) should not be substituted for therapy, and I urge all readers dealing with obsessive-compulsive disorder to seek out a skilled ERP therapist. Consult the IOCDF treatment provider database to locate a provider in your area. Remember, OCD is treatable! You have the ability to manage OCD and regain control of your life.
